Drowning Lessons

Woo!

Well, work faster.
*glares* lol

*glares with Sarah*

phhhssst!!

impatient people! lol

well, i'm gonna stay the night at my Gma's tonight and the wireless connection on this thing doesn't work ovewr there therefore the internet won't work unless i'm at home of at my other Gma's. But this Gma doesn't have internet so yeah. lol I'm gonna take my laptop there and write more sooooooo the next chapter should be ready and up sometime tomorrow.

Yay! Can't wait!

lol i'm sure you can't.....lol

You have no idea how excited I am now. This story is so good.

awwww thanks!!!

Your welcome.

5: The Broken

“Okay, Brianna. Can you tell me when you were born?” Dr. Sanders asked me.

I stared at her. I didn’t want to tell her because I didn’t know. I don’t remember when I was born. I don’t remember anything about my life. I’m actually quite surprised that I still know my name.

“Brianna?” She asked looking at me over her glasses.

She was a small woman; tall and scrawny. She looked to be in her mid-thirties, her hair was an auburn color that barely reached her shoulders. She had bright blue eyes that resembled the ocean. Her blue eyes were rimmed with black eyeliner, black eye shadow, and mascara, her lips were a light shade of pink, and her blush was a darker rosy color. She had on black rimmed glasses. She was wearing a black pinstriped suit and held a clipboard in her hands.

My father and mother sat on the other side of my bed; my father’s hand was on top of mine.

“Brianna. Can you tell Dr. Sanders when you were born?” My father asked.

I turned my hand and I stared at him for a long moment. I felt like I was going to cry all over again. I shook my head slowly and, even though I didn’t want it to, a single tear ran down my face.

“You don’t remember Brianna?” Dr. Sanders asked.

I tried my hardest to remember, I really did. I could only remember little pieces of my life, and those little pieces didn’t seem to fit together in the way that I wanted them to. The only things I could remember where those little unimportant things in life like…going to the playground and swinging on the swing set when you were younger or….going to the zoo on a summer day. I could only remember those kinds of things. Not the day when I was born, not my age, not even the color of my eyes. The doctor said that I’d remember those important things soon. He said that it was only temporary; a concussion that would heal. But…how soon is soon?

I wish that I had lost all my memory of the accident. I didn’t want to remember that. I didn’t want to remember that Lacey is…dead. Things would be so much better if I had lost all memory of that moment in my life. But…would that be fair for Lacey? No. I mean, she would’ve wanted me to remember her. She was such an amazing person. When she walked into the room all eyes were on her. She lit up the room and made everyone smile and laugh. She was so outgoing. Everyone knew who she was and everyone loved her. It’s hard to imagine that she’s gone. That’s she’s actually gone forever. We had such a strong bond. I looked up to her as the sister that I never had. To me, she was my sister. She was my cousin, my friend, my family, and my sister.

I can still remember her. I can still remember her bright green eyes, her red and black long wavy hair, and the thick black eyeliner that she always wore. She couldn’t live without her make-up although she still looked beautiful without it. She always insisted that she wasn’t. She wasn’t a cheerleader, blonde hair, stuck up kind of girl. She had no pride. She was humble; modest.

What will life be like without her? Who would light up the room whenever they walked in, besides her? Who would be the one to always smile; who would be the one to live life like it was a dream? Like life was a wonderful thing? She always lived her life like it was so easy, like life was so easy. To me, life is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. She loved living, while I just want to die. I’d give up everything just to be with her; wherever she is, I’m sure it’s better than lying here in this hospital bed trying to figure out when you were born. What...would her parents do? I wonder where they are right now and I wonder if they know yet. I wonder where Lacey is right at this very moment.

“Where did they take Lacey?” I whispered as I stared at the floor. I turned my head to look at my father, wanting him to answer. He looked at me with saddened green eyes. I could tell that he didn’t want me to know. He didn’t want to say. Something told him not to, and yet he wanted to. He was unsure and he didn’t know what to say in a way that I would surely understand. He didn’t want to see me cry again, I knew that. That’s why he was reluctant to tell me to begin with. He knew I would cry for the one hundredth time that day. He wasn’t sure if he should tell me the truth, or shake his head and say that he didn’t know when he does.

He sighed and it told me that whatever he was going to say wasn’t going to be good. I braced myself.

“They…took her to the morgue sweetheart.” He whispered softly.

I bit my lip, turned my head away, and buried it into my pillows. He knew that I was crying again because of what I had done, and he noticed my shoulders moving up and down as I cried. When you cry, there’s no way to hide it.

As I cried my father sadly told Dr. Sanders that it’s okay to go on. She nodded and looked down at her clipboard and wrote a couple of things down.

“Brianna, can you tell me your father’s name?” Dr. Sanders asked me in a soothing voice.

I turned to look at her and I wiped the tears away from my eyes. I tried to stop my nose from running but it only made it worse. I could no longer breathe from my nose and my upper lip burned.

I gave out a long sigh. “Billie Joe Armstrong.” I told her weakly

She nodded. “Good!” She wrote something down on her clipboard.

It felt like I was in preschool all over again. They were treating me like a little baby, and I can’t stand it when people try to help me. I don’t want help and I don’t think I need help. I’m the one that’s supposed to be helping others, they’re not supposed to take care of me; I can take care of myself. I only care for others, I only wipe away others eyes, not my own. I only hug other people, not myself. I buy gifts for the poor, I hardly ever buy anything for myself; I don’t need it because I already have everything I need. I always put myself at the bottom of the list; I take care of others first. I take care of others that can’t take care of themselves, that don’t know how to take care of themselves. I take care of the weak; the broken.

But now I’m the broken one. I’m the one that suddenly feels like I’m drowning in a pool of nothingness. I feel like I’ve surrendered to a power much stronger than myself. I’m the one that suddenly feels like I want to give up; I don’t want to fight anymore. All my life I’ve felt like I’d owed something to someone else. I don’t like feeling selfish, I don’t like being greedy. That’s why I can’t stand it when people help me. They need to leave me alone and take care of someone that needs their help more than I need it. People are dying out there somewhere. Somewhere out there someone’s heart just stopped beating. Their time has run out. There’s someone out there who’s all alone and hurt and there’s no one there to mend them back together. There’s people out there who are lost in the rain that still continues to fall down and they have no way out and they can’t see through the mist.

I’m okay; I believe that I’m okay. Sure, I can’t remember hardly anything about my life, but at least I remember something. My mind isn’t completely blank. My memory seems to be coming back to me already. I’m breathing, I’m alive. I’m okay.

“Just….leave…please...” I whispered, my eyes glued to the floor.

My mom and dad gave me a weird look and Dr. Sanders looked back up at me from her clipboard.

“What do you mean, Brianna?” She asked me gently.

I gave out a sigh. “It’s just…I’m think I’m okay…there’s other people out there who are not. Who are all alone and I’m sure that you could help them get their lives back together. I don’t need this. I don’t need anything anymore. I’m alive and I have a family who loves me. So…go take care of someone else who could really need it right now, please.”

She stared at me in awe. She was amazed at how selfless I was. Who knows, maybe I’m not okay. Maybe I am among the ashes and maybe I do feel like I’m going to float away unless I’m holding onto something tight, but I can wait. I’ll gladly wait my turn.

But Dr. Sanders gave me a smile and she placed a hand on my shoulder. She understood my thoughts. She was trained to analyze others through what they said and what they did. She was trained to look deep inside someone’s body, someone’s heart to see its unique design. She could trace the patterns; she could connect those dots to figure out how someone worked. She knew.

I looked up at her and saw that smile and I think I almost smiled myself because of what she was about to say.

“Brianna…..I’m not going to leave you. I’m here to help you because helping people is what I know how to do the best. I’m not going to leave you behind. I’m here for you, okay?”

And all I could do at the point was nod.


I'm not going
cause I've been waiting for a miracle
And I'm not leaving
I won't let you
Let you give up on a miracle
When it might save you

Omg, Chelsea, do you know how much better your writing has got? I mean, everything you write is good, but you went from level 50 to level 1000 with this. Really, its really good!
Aww, Brianna. I love her. I'm glad she at least remembers Billie.

LOL thank you sarah, you don't know how big of a compliment that was!! -feels proud of self-

YAY, I made someone feel proud
*is proud of making someone proud*

LOLOLOL


-is proud of making someone proud who made me proud-

^ LMAO

heh heh!

One word. Amazing.

lolololol Thanks Faye!

No problem.

6: Field Of Innocence


FLASHBACK TO 2001

“What next mommy?” Seven year old Brianna asked looking up at her mother, holding on to two large needles in her small hands.

Adrienne was trying to teach her how to knit. This started about an hour ago and they were still on the very first row. Let’s just say that Brianna wasn’t the quickest learner. Adrienne tried her best to remain patient.

“Now you take the right needle and put it underneath this loop of yarn and then—“

Brianna was confused. “Mommy…which way is right?”

Adrienne chuckled. “You know what? Maybe we can just work more on this later kay?”

Brianna smiled and nodded. “Okay!”

Brianna set the multi-colored ball of yarn and needles on the table behind her and walked out of the living room and into the kitchen with her mother.

“What do you want for lunch kiddo?” Adrienne asked as she walked up to the fridge.

Brianna climbed up and onto the stool that was setting in front of their island counter. She thought for a moment.

“Ummm….peanut butter and jelly and….applesauce!” She shouted as she kicked her suspended legs around randomly.

“What do you want for a drink?” Adrienne asked as she got out the applesauce, peanut butter, and jelly out and onto the counter in front of where her daughter was sitting.

“Chocolate milk!” Brianna cried. She was obviously hyper.

Her mother laughed. “Alrighty then!”

After Adrienne got Brianna and herself some lunch, Adrienne sat next to Brianna who was breathing in into her straw causing her milk to bubble all up.

Adrienne laughed as did Brianna.

“Mommy,” Brianna began as she picked up a piece of her PB and J sandwich. “Where is Jakob?”

“He’s upstairs napping sweetheart. I’ll make him his lunch when he gets up.” She answered as she took a sip of her drink.

“When is Joey coming home?” She then asked, her bright green eyes focusing on her mother’s beautiful face.

“At around three; Grandma Ollie is going to drop him off.” She said as she ate.

She knew what was coming next. She knew her next question by heart; she could already hear it. It was a question she would ask a lot around this time. The same three questions would pop up, “Where was Jakob?”, “When is Joey coming home?” and…

“…When is daddy coming home?”

Adrienne sighed and looked down at Brianna’s saddened eyes.

“He’s coming back in August so that’s three months from now.” She said in almost a whisper.

Brianna frowned. “I miss him a lot mommy.”

Adrienne gave her a weak smile. “Do you want to call him?”

Brianna smiled and nodded. “I can dial the number.”

Adrienne grabbed the phone and passed it to her daughter. Brianna grabbed it and proceeded to dial her father’s cell phone number with her tiny fingers.

END FLASHBACK


I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all…


I miss being a child. Really I do. Life would be so simple and you’re oblivious to the word called ‘death’. My heart aches every time I think about Lacey. I want to erase her out of my thoughts but every time I try to think about something else…it always comes down to her. Being in this hospital is a constant reminder of the accident and I hate it.

I want to see Lacey. I just…want to see her lying there on top of that table, to see her there sleeping forever. Maybe then I’ll come right back to reality and actually believe that she’s gone forever. And forever….well forever is a long time to wait. It seems as if it’s an endless period of time. You can sit in one place for hours and it seems as if that someone or something is never going to come back. And it kills me inside to know that Lacey is never ever coming back.

Sometimes it feels like I’m always repeating my own thoughts. My mind is like a broken record. All it knows how to do is think about the accident. I’ve noticed that one of the two words it likes to say is, “Lacey’s dead.”

‘Lacey’s dead. Lacey’s dead. Lacey’s dead.’

It never seems to end.

I’m really starting to truly hate myself. I should’ve told her to put her seatbelt on. I should have insisted! I should’ve begged! I should’ve pleaded! But no; Instead, I kept quiet. I thought, “She’s right…the mall isn’t that far away…” I never thought that something like this was going to happen. I never would’ve thought that buying a couple seconds until we pulled up of my driveway would change everything. That car would not have been there if we would’ve got out on that road seconds after them. Maybe if she had her seat belt on she would’ve survived.

I feel so disgusted with myself. I feel so sick of who I am. I can’t sleep at night and I never feel like talking and even if I did talk I had to struggle with my words and my breathing was always hard. I can barely move and my whole body is sore. I can’t really think straight most of the time and I keep forgetting who everyone around me is.

Now the only thing I can do at this moment is to stare at ceiling.

It was about 11 in the morning and when looking out the window it almost blinds my eyes because of the blazing sun. I sighed and began to sing quietly to myself.

I still remember the sun
always warm on my back
Somehow; it seems colder now
where has my heart gone?
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything

Just as I felt a tear fall down my face, I heard someone enter the room.

“Hey baby girl.”

It was my father.

He walked over to the side of my bed and gave me a small smile. “How are you feeling?”

“A little better I think.” I told him with a little smile back.

“Well, that’s good!” He said still smiling. He gave me a little kiss on the forehead. “I brought someone that wants to see you.”

I looked over to the door as a thin, tall girl came walking in. She was about only and inch or two shorter than my father, she had blue stunning eyes, and light brown hair. I recognized her immediately and I actually knew by heart who she was, thank god!

“Stella!” I cried. She smiled with tears running down her face and wrapped her arms around me gently. Almost instantly we both started to cry into each other’s arms. I don’t know how long the crying lasted but all I know was it actually felt good to cry for once. I wasn’t crying about something bad that has happened. I was actually happy for at least a couple minutes.

After a couple minutes of crying she let me go and wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’m so glad you’re okay Brianna. I thought you were dead!” She cried as she sat next to my father.

I gave her a smile. “Well…I’m okay I guess. I’m just glad that…..you’re….here…”

As I stared at both my father and Stella, something dawned on me. The way they were dressed, it was formal. It wasn’t everyday that they dressed like this.

My father was wearing a dress up black, button-up shirt underneath a grey un-buttoned jacket. He wore a dark grey tie that had black polka dots on it and dressy black pants.

And Stella was wearing a black knee length dress that had a bow on the side and red flats. Her light brown hair was curled up on top of her head.

They just stared right back at me.

“What is it Brianna?” Stella asked me in a concerned voice.

I continued to stare at them suspiciously; blankly. There was no expression in my face as a spoke. “Why are you guys dressed like that?” I asked.

She looked down at what she was wearing and then looked back at me. “I just…felt like wearing it.”

She was lying. I knew she was. She never wears dresses, especially black ones. She’s always hated dresses. And besides that, it’s November. It’s too cold out to be wearing dresses in the first place.

“But…you never wear dresses.” I reminded her as I continued to stare.

“Well….I..” Stella started.

She thought I wouldn’t remember that because of my concussion. She could’ve told me that two days ago when I first arrived at the hospital and maybe then I would’ve believed her. But my concussion has been going away and with Dr. Sanders help everyday my memory has gotten better.

My father put a hand on Stella’s shoulder and shook his head. He didn’t want her to keep lying to me. There was no use because I remember. I would only question her more if she would’ve told another lie.

I looked up at my father.

“What’s doing on daddy?” I asked. “Tell me the truth, please.”

My father looked at me for a moment and sighed. “We were at Lacey’s viewing today Brianna.”

I stared at him and I tried not to cry, but it didn’t work. Tears started forming in my eyes. “So that’s it? I can’t…see her anymore?” I asked weakly.

He just looked at me with saddened eyes and slowly shook his head.

I didn’t really cry. I few tears came rolling down my face but that was it. I’ve cried so much in the last couple of days that I don’t think I can really cry all that much anymore. It wears me out when I do. So I just stared at the wall in front of me blankly. My thoughts completely erased. I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to go to the viewing just to see Lacey one last time. I didn’t even get to say goodbye or anything. I don’t even think I want to because goodbye is such a “final” type of word. I just wanted so badly to go with them. I wanted to go outside. I hated being cooped up in this hospital doing nothing but thinking and sleeping, crying.

“I think….I think I’m going to take a nap now.” I said turning back to Stella and my father. “Is it okay if I do?”

They both nodded.

“You sure can baby girl. When you wake up we’ll be here.” My father said, a weak smile across his face.

So, suddenly feeling weak and tired, I slowly closed my eyes and hoped I’d fall asleep soon so I won’t have to think about the accident…or Lacey.

Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything

Oh where, where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything

*Cries*
This is so sad.
I do love the lines;

" I want to see Lacey. I just…want to see her lying there on top of that table, to see her there sleeping forever. Maybe then I’ll come right back to reality and actually believe that she’s gone forever. And forever….well forever is a long time to wait. It seems as if it’s an endless period of time. You can sit in one place for hours and it seems as if that someone or something is never going to come back. And it kills me inside to know that Lacey is never ever coming back.

Sometimes it feels like I’m always repeating my own thoughts. My mind is like a broken record. All it knows how to do is think about the accident. I’ve noticed that one of the two words it likes to say is, “Lacey’s dead.”

‘Lacey’s dead. Lacey’s dead. Lacey’s dead.’

It never seems to end. "

That was written well, made me feel empathetic to Brianna, and made me extremely sad.
But it's good, I'm happy you FINALLY updated

lolololol THANKSSSSSS!!

And yeah! I havn't updated for about three months O__o lol

I'm happy that I updated it even though i don't think that chapter was as good as the rest of them lol

LOL.
I thought it was good!
ALL THAT MATTERS IS WHAT I THINK.
Ha.
And you're welcome =]

LMAO

I guess you are right Sarah! haha

Oh my gosh Chelsea. That was amazing. Really, you are an awesome writer.