Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
And I know
There's nothing I can say
To change that part
My life is a classic story of anything and everything you'd like to see in one of those sad, depressed and suicidal movies on the silver screen. It has fame and fortune, love and betrayal, drug and alcohol abuse and the most famous punk rock band at the moment all swirled into one. Then, for some damn forsaken reason, a member of this famous punk rock band suddenly cracked. He couldn't take the pressure of fame and fortune and everything else that makes up a rock star's life. He couldn't take the pain and the brightness's of the light shining on him. The light that had always blinded him.
That man's name was Frank Iero. He was my best friend, my band mate and he was like a brother to me. I had known him for years and I could tell him anything that was on my mind or that was disturbing me during the long cold nights where I lied all by myself. If I felt alone, he would lay with me. If I was cold, he would warm my heart. If I wasn't safe, he would protect me. If I was wrong, he would teach me how to be right. He showed me everything I needed to be an intelligent and successful human being and I lost and forgot it all away from a mistake he made 10 years ago.
So many
Bright lights, they cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
Frank committing suicide was the mistake he made. The pressure had got to him to the point where he couldn't stand living for another second. He killed himself with a noose which was in his bedroom. I was going over to show him some songs I had wrote a few days ago when I stumbled on his cold, lifeless body. I sobbed by his side and closed his eerie eyes that had still been open. I wasn't surprised; he had been fucked up for so long. His whole life was a tornado of nothingness and then everything he ever wanted was laying on his lap. He could edit, improve or destroy it. He chose destruction.
Frank's death was 10 years ago and it still haunts me to this day. I still see his empty, shineless eyes, his chest unmobilized, and I can still feel his freezing flesh on my fingertips. It's like his death is the flavoring of my unsuccessful life. I can feel everything - from when I met him to his death - and I don't want to feel it anymore.
I just want it to go away.
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak
Once Frank passed on, our band, My Chemical Romance, passed on as well. We probably could of found another guitarist, released more records and went on a few more international tours but just the thought of me being the front man to a band without Frank was completely heartbreaking. It was completely out of the questions; theres no way I was going to do it. I would break down if I looked to my right on stage to see some chump playing a song on guitar which Frank wrote.
So the band broke up. Ray, the guitarist, went on to play in an other band which released some albums on an underground record label. I heard the band broke up sometime last year. Bob, the drummer, went back to being a music producer and engineer which he did before joining My Chemical Romance. My younger brother, Mikey who played bass, went to live with our parents. Last I heard, he was back in college, trying to get a job working as a lawyer. For the time prier to that dream, he was working at a coffee joint, trying to scrape some cash to survive.
Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
'Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
As for me, Gerard Way, I'm homeless. I haven't seen my family in over a year. I haven't communicated with my former band members in over 2 years. I haven't had a real job in over 15 years. I haven't been in My Chemical Romance in over 10 and a half years. I haven't done anything in my life for 10 fucking years.
What have I been doing? Oh, I tried to get a job at a bookstore. They wouldn't hire me. I tried to get a job at 7-11. They wouldn't hire me. I was trying to get a job anywhere that was hiring and none of them would hire me because of my inexperience. I would tell the that I was a college graduate because I am but they didn't believe me. They just thought of me as the former singer of some screamo band that crumbled because my best friend killed himself. Well, all those fuckers who didn't hire me can fucking rot in Hell because I hate them. I hate them. I hate everyone. I hate you. I hate me.
I hate everything.
Is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak
I've been living off what people give me. I still have an old acoustic guitar Frank had got me 12 years ago. He knew I couldn't play guitar well, but he wanted me to learn. He told me if I knew how to play guitar, I would be able to write songs better because I could think of a melody and practice it over and over until I liked it. He told me he would teach me how to play next time we were in the studio.
These bright lights have always blinded me
He died before I learned it.
I had to teach myself how to play. I eventually learned and thought back to those long hours of watching Frank and Ray play guitar. I tried to remember and mimic how they played and I eventually got the hang of it. I played in parks or anywhere that is surrounded by a good amount of people. People would give me loose change and some people gave me money in bills. It was very hard for me. Every time someone gave me money, it felt like I was sinking lower and lower in being ashamed with myself.
I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead
I was given money by the government when I was close to filing bankruptcy 10 years ago but I didn't spend it on things I needed. The DEA ended up finding the the drugs I was doing and I was put on 3 years probation with a misdemeanor charge. I waas sort of hoping I would of got to go to prison though because I then would of least had a roof over my head.
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
So I get from place to place. Within 10 years, I've been to almost every state in USA. I'll keep getting around too because it's not like I have anything else going for me. I'll keep picking up cigarettes off the ground and smoking them, i'll keep stealing food and clothing for stores, i'll keep loitering in public places, i'll keep spending the nights in public bathrooms, i'll keep drinking dirty water and i'll keep living the life of a full-fledged hobo. I'm going to keep on living my life until I have no more air in my lungs.
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
I will keep surviving.
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
Subject: These Bright Lights Have Always Blinded Me 
10/1/2007, 10:17 am
