I cried as I vomited on the floor. The fat tears simply plopped against my cheeks and tickled softly as they fell down my face. I felt myself go lightheaded as the whole room began to spin. My eyes rolled to the back of my head as I felt more vomit attempt to surface out of my mouth. I closed my mouth, gagged, and leaned over to the toilet beside me and puked my guts out. I began sobbing, my head still in the toilet and felt my head get lightheaded again. I pulled my head out, wiped my mouth with my sleeve, and sniffled. I began feeling tears welt up in my eyes again when I thought of what my brother would think of me if he saw me.
My younger brother, Mikey, was the world to me. I was always protecting him and saving him from harm. I may have been overprotective sometimes but it was all for his safety. He used to be weak and I would have to clean up after him, but I remember him pulling my long greasy hair back when I vomited early in the morning. I remember him letting me fall asleep in his arms as he cooed me into a dream. I remember him listening to everything and anything that was on my mind at any time of the day. He never argued with me and never was annoyed. When I looked back and think about everything he did for me, I cry my eyes out. I weep because I know he can no longer be by my side anymore.
Mikey died last July in a car accident. A drunk driver hit him head on, killing him instantly. The paramedics told me that it happened so fast, he felt no pain. But that didn't comfort me or make me feel okay. It didn't make me feel okay because the drunk driver took my brother away from me. He stole him from beneath me and I had no chance to ever get him back. I can never bring him back.
I sobbed as I banged my head against the toilet. I was so disgusted with myself and my way of life; the culture I had created. Mikey would of stopped me before I got to this point. Mikey would of been there for me to pick out the bad seeds from the good flowers. He would of kicked me in the ass some many times, I would of lost count. He would still be in my band, the band he named, instead of a temporary stand in that I loathe.
The stand in is Bert McCraken, The Used's singer and my ex boyfriend.
Bert was great in the beginning. He told me he loved me and treated me sweetly and my brother approved of him. He plastered a smile on his face and created a gleam in his eye that no one could deny. He gave me amazing sexual pleasure and his kissed were full of love.
Until Mikey died.
When Mikey died, he grew..evil and cold, I guess. He acted like he was emotionless and that all the loving and caring feelings he had for me had suddenly vanished without a trace. He would bang me against things violently, abusing me, to say it bluntly. He used me for fame and fortune and violated y emotions. I can't even look at him the way I did before last July. I can barley speak to him without have a break down. I cannot look my band member in the eye because I am afraid of what he will do to me. I am afraid that he will say I gave him a dirty look and slap me and make me bleed.
I am afraid of him.
I believe he is only in the band for a few reasons. The first is so he can remain in the limelight of the media and have all the fame and fortune he can received. I also think he is here so he can torture me and make my life a living hell. He likes the thought of me cowering in fear of him, cuddled in a corner as he laughs in my face. He likes seeing the natural shine in my turn into the gleam of fear and see my lip quiver. He loves to watch me squirm.
I know if my brother was here, he would of detected Bert's demons and made me aware. I would of believed him because Mikey is always right, especially when it comes to relationships i'm in. Like I said, he knows the goods and bads and all he wanted in his life was for me to be safe and happy.
Mikey died without getting to see his older brother accomplish what he wanted accomplished.
I heard footsteps coming towards the bathroom. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and face and fixed my hair so I didn't look too much of a mess. I began to stand up as Bert walked through the door. "Gerard," he said seductively with a smile. "We're on in 5 minutes, what are you doing in here all alone?" he asked with fake curiosity. I looked at the floor with my hands around my back, cracking my sweating fingers. "I-I was just..just getting ready a-and then I was going t-to come out-" "Don't lie, Gerard,You can talk to me about it. You can tell me anything. What's wrong?" Yeah, like he really cared to know. "N-nothing, i'm telling you the truth." I spoke with my head still looking at the floor. Since I was looking down, I didn't see him move toward me.
I saw his shadow gradually get bigger and felt his body heat hit against my skin. I looked up just to feel his lips touch mine. The feeling of having his lips against mine once more sent a chill down my spine. I despised him with everything I had but he still had some sort of power over me. He slipped his hand down my pants which made me flinch. His tongue slid across my bottom lip, requesting entrance into my mouth. I declined it by simply pulling away and breaking our lip lock. "Bert, y-you can't just do that." I said, suddenly feeling naked in front of him, as if he could see right through everything I was trying so hard to hide. He smirked at me. "Why did your kiss taste like vomit, Gerard?" he asked as he walked out of the bathroom. I opened my mouth to reply, even though I had no decent explanation for him, but he stopped my attempt by saying to me,"we're on in a minute, get your ass out here."
I sighed shakily and looked at myself in the mirror. My bottom lip was more red than my top one from Bert softly biting at it. My eyeliner from last nights show was still on, even though I had tried to wipe it off earlier this morning because it was getting in my eyes. My unwashed hair was greasy and perfectly straight. My body was shriveled up from not eating and popping pills which cause me to be on my hands and knees all night, puking until I could not puke anymore. I opened the medicine cabinet and took out my bag of pills. I didn't even know what was what anymore. I took 4 red ones, 5 blue ones and 10 whites ones. I took them all at once and hoped I would be drugged enough to get through this show.
I came out from the bathroom and walked out behind the stage. I saw what was left of my band: Frank, Ray, and Bob. Frank smiled, waved and mouthed the word 'hi' to me. I looked over at Ray who making a few quick tunes to his guitar. I turned my head to see Bob who was putting extra drumsticks in a small bucket he puts next to his drum set unless he breaks the ones he has.
Then I saw me. How did I fit in with my band mates? I wasn't anything like them. All they did was smoke some cigarettes and drink some beer. They weren't like me. No one was like me. I was the only one on the planet who understood myself. I knew that I wanted to be okay but I knew that being okay was a dream I could never reach. I knew I wanted to be safe and happy but I also knew that that was never going to happen.
I knew that Mikey was looking down at me and shaking his head in disgrace. I knew he was disappointed at me.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I saw Bert and he flashed me his sexy seductive smile. He always tries to do these little things that can reel me in some easily. His smiles, the way his voice changes when he tries to sound like he cares, and the way I used to foolishly fall for every lie he told me. I was so gullible.
We walked on the stage and I heard the crowd roar. I walked up to the microphone, my face as blank as a stone, and looked out into the crowd. I saw young teenage punks already starting a mosh pit, I saw teenage girls in the front and they were screaming my name, I saw boys with mohawks and girls with eyeliner all around their eyes. I saw one girl covered from head to toe in My Chemical Romance merchandise.
As I stared at the kids in the crowd, I felt physical agony overwhelm me. My knees buckled and I fell to the stage floor. I heard Frank shout my name from a distance but it was all so distorted. I heard some laughter of kids in the audience who thought it was a gag. I heard some people gasp and yell out my name in worry. I felt Bob, Ray and Frank tug at me, trying everything they could to wake me up. My eyes were wide open but I couldn't see anything. I was not asleep but I couldn't hear anything, all of a sudden. It was like the crowd disappeared and I was all alone in the walls of my mind. I felt mindless for a few seconds, and then the pain hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt membranes in my brain explode and it felt like acid was filling in my organs. This pain lasted only a few seconds. It eventually tampered off and I felt mindless again.
I thought about Bert. I thought about what he was thinking as he saw the shine in my eyes disappear. I wonder what he thought when he saw my chest stop lifting and falling. I wonder what he thought when he saw our tour manager look at his watch and determine the time I died was. I wonder what went through his mind when they told him I was gone and was never coming back.
It was nice to be off that stage. It was getting harder and harder for me to sing. I think it's great I passed away there though. I always boasted that I would die doing what I love and no one ever believed me.
I also get to see Mikey again..
Subject: It Was The Roar Of The Crowd That Gave Me Heartache To Sing 
9/29/2007, 1:36 pm
